Wednesday, August 16, 2006
"Dating Snob"
Two things happened tonight to confirm my title as a Dating Snob. First, I had a second date with the Lecturer. Second, I talked to my friend who is getting married on Saturday, the Groom.
The Lecturer lectured less and listened more tonight. It was an awesome conversation. He seems really cool and I really enjoyed talking to him. But - and I hate to say this because of what's coming in this post - I don't know that I want to date him. I feel like it was the kind of awesome conversation I would have with a number of my very intelligent female friends. Yes, I said it - my female friends. There was no chemistry. I just didn't feel it. It's sad because I know he felt something. Or at least the double kiss on my neck at the end of the night seemed to indicate he felt something. He went for the mouth, I went for his cheek. In the end I got the double kiss on the neck. The, "surely you realize now that I want to kiss you, so are you going to kiss me back or what?" double kiss. No, I wasn't going to kiss him back. I would have felt like I was kissing my brother and if I learned one lesson from Back to the Future, it's that you shouldn't be kissing people if kissing them reminds you of kissing your brother. This guy could be my second cousin from the future (originally that sentence said "son" instead of "second cousin," but I was so disturbed by the sentence that I changed it). It's not that he's bad looking or that he did anything wrong or that he wasn't absolutely sweet, wonderful and fabulous. He was great, polite, and had fabulous food recommendations; he was entertaining and engaging. But, when I realized it was quarter to 10, I was okay with ending the date. That's never a good sign with me. A quarter to ten should be the start to the second part of the date. Good conversation or dessert or dilly-dallying over coffee or my car. It should not be time for the "Well, this was fun" ending.
And I feel bad because he ended up being a fantastic guy who didn't lecture all night.
I got in the car and called the Groom on my way home. He wanted to set me up with someone for his wedding but he has since been persuaded otherwise by mutual friends. (I was supposed to be taking New City Guy to the wedding but he canceled earlier this week. I think I'm going to take Best Guy Friend, but he doesn't know it yet so that could be a problem (anyone in Cincinnati want to go to a wedding with me this Saturday?)). So, I talked to Groom about the friend he had intended to set me up with and all the reasons it was getting nixed (his Wife, bless her soul, knows a thing or two about setting people up). Since the set-up was a no-go, we instead went over my pre-wedding ritual of finding out which single guys are coming to the wedding. This doesn't make or break my attendance at the wedding, it just gives me an informed view of who I should be keeping my eye out for at the wedding. This time, though, the process did not follow the pattern it usually follows when I'm quizzing the Bride (damn Grooms).
Me: So, which single guys are coming to the wedding?
Him: Well, I don't know . . .. There's X, Y, Z, [all of whom I know] and J.
Me: Oh, tell me more about J.
Him: Eh, I don't know that he would measure up to the OLS standards. I mean, you are a bit of a dating snob.
Me: Moi? Surely, you must be confusing me with someone else. I'm not a dating snob.
Him: Um, yeah you are. You know you are.
A discussion ensues in which we evaluate the merits and deficiencies of guys I dated in law school. He assures me that none of the other guys I dated are coming to the wedding. Yes, none of the others. That would be because I sort of dated the groom in a former life, but we weren't serious because I wouldn't be serious. Because I'm not a serious person, despite my constant moaning about how I'm never going to get married. Realistically, I know I'm not going to get married for a while because I don't really want to get married for a while and because I'm scared of the "C" word. No, not "commitment" - that's easy. It's the "compromise" thing that's hard. That's the real "C" word no one wants to talk about. But, anyhow. I'm straying from my point (I think I had one?). So, I point out, jokingly, to Groom that I dated him and he says, "Well, I tried - but you wouldn't really date me. Because you're a Dating Snob."
I started to protest until Groom reminded me that I had already told him all about Lecturer. "Tonight. How was the second date?" This right here is the reason I'm a member of the ACLU - my right to invoke the Fifth Amendment, which I did quite quickly. Unfortunately, Groom knows me too well. Before I called him, I was already planning on posting about the Lecturer and what I was thinking was: It's always better to end things now than to drag it out and let him get all attached before you do it.
Groom's reply was a simple "Yeah, thought so."
I'm a Dating Snob.
Seriously? Can this be true? And once I become aware of (adjusted to?) my Dating Snob status, do I have some moral obligation to act differently - to change my flaky dating habits? I mean, I don't like being a snob, but yet I feel like if there's one place to have standards as to who you will and will not associate with, it's in the dating circle. I have tons of friends I would never date not because they're not "good enough" for me but because I don't think we'd be a good fit. They're too far to the right. And sometimes to the Left. They care too much for money. They want to live in Ohio for the rest of their lives. They think women should be submissive. They voted for Bush. I don't think refusing to date those people means I'm a snob. It just means that I don't want to go through all the melodrama that comes with dating if I already know from the outset how it will end. That's fair, right?
And beyond that - given the dating horror stories I have, can I really be called a "snob"? Seriously?
The Lecturer lectured less and listened more tonight. It was an awesome conversation. He seems really cool and I really enjoyed talking to him. But - and I hate to say this because of what's coming in this post - I don't know that I want to date him. I feel like it was the kind of awesome conversation I would have with a number of my very intelligent female friends. Yes, I said it - my female friends. There was no chemistry. I just didn't feel it. It's sad because I know he felt something. Or at least the double kiss on my neck at the end of the night seemed to indicate he felt something. He went for the mouth, I went for his cheek. In the end I got the double kiss on the neck. The, "surely you realize now that I want to kiss you, so are you going to kiss me back or what?" double kiss. No, I wasn't going to kiss him back. I would have felt like I was kissing my brother and if I learned one lesson from Back to the Future, it's that you shouldn't be kissing people if kissing them reminds you of kissing your brother. This guy could be my second cousin from the future (originally that sentence said "son" instead of "second cousin," but I was so disturbed by the sentence that I changed it). It's not that he's bad looking or that he did anything wrong or that he wasn't absolutely sweet, wonderful and fabulous. He was great, polite, and had fabulous food recommendations; he was entertaining and engaging. But, when I realized it was quarter to 10, I was okay with ending the date. That's never a good sign with me. A quarter to ten should be the start to the second part of the date. Good conversation or dessert or dilly-dallying over coffee or my car. It should not be time for the "Well, this was fun" ending.
And I feel bad because he ended up being a fantastic guy who didn't lecture all night.
I got in the car and called the Groom on my way home. He wanted to set me up with someone for his wedding but he has since been persuaded otherwise by mutual friends. (I was supposed to be taking New City Guy to the wedding but he canceled earlier this week. I think I'm going to take Best Guy Friend, but he doesn't know it yet so that could be a problem (anyone in Cincinnati want to go to a wedding with me this Saturday?)). So, I talked to Groom about the friend he had intended to set me up with and all the reasons it was getting nixed (his Wife, bless her soul, knows a thing or two about setting people up). Since the set-up was a no-go, we instead went over my pre-wedding ritual of finding out which single guys are coming to the wedding. This doesn't make or break my attendance at the wedding, it just gives me an informed view of who I should be keeping my eye out for at the wedding. This time, though, the process did not follow the pattern it usually follows when I'm quizzing the Bride (damn Grooms).
Me: So, which single guys are coming to the wedding?
Him: Well, I don't know . . .. There's X, Y, Z, [all of whom I know] and J.
Me: Oh, tell me more about J.
Him: Eh, I don't know that he would measure up to the OLS standards. I mean, you are a bit of a dating snob.
Me: Moi? Surely, you must be confusing me with someone else. I'm not a dating snob.
Him: Um, yeah you are. You know you are.
A discussion ensues in which we evaluate the merits and deficiencies of guys I dated in law school. He assures me that none of the other guys I dated are coming to the wedding. Yes, none of the others. That would be because I sort of dated the groom in a former life, but we weren't serious because I wouldn't be serious. Because I'm not a serious person, despite my constant moaning about how I'm never going to get married. Realistically, I know I'm not going to get married for a while because I don't really want to get married for a while and because I'm scared of the "C" word. No, not "commitment" - that's easy. It's the "compromise" thing that's hard. That's the real "C" word no one wants to talk about. But, anyhow. I'm straying from my point (I think I had one?). So, I point out, jokingly, to Groom that I dated him and he says, "Well, I tried - but you wouldn't really date me. Because you're a Dating Snob."
I started to protest until Groom reminded me that I had already told him all about Lecturer. "Tonight. How was the second date?" This right here is the reason I'm a member of the ACLU - my right to invoke the Fifth Amendment, which I did quite quickly. Unfortunately, Groom knows me too well. Before I called him, I was already planning on posting about the Lecturer and what I was thinking was: It's always better to end things now than to drag it out and let him get all attached before you do it.
Groom's reply was a simple "Yeah, thought so."
I'm a Dating Snob.
Seriously? Can this be true? And once I become aware of (adjusted to?) my Dating Snob status, do I have some moral obligation to act differently - to change my flaky dating habits? I mean, I don't like being a snob, but yet I feel like if there's one place to have standards as to who you will and will not associate with, it's in the dating circle. I have tons of friends I would never date not because they're not "good enough" for me but because I don't think we'd be a good fit. They're too far to the right. And sometimes to the Left. They care too much for money. They want to live in Ohio for the rest of their lives. They think women should be submissive. They voted for Bush. I don't think refusing to date those people means I'm a snob. It just means that I don't want to go through all the melodrama that comes with dating if I already know from the outset how it will end. That's fair, right?
And beyond that - given the dating horror stories I have, can I really be called a "snob"? Seriously?
Comments:
<< Home
I've noticed that you tend to bring this idea up every once in a while, though you've never used the term dating snob before.
I personally think it's ok to be a bit snobby to begin with. One should always look for people that match the necessary criteria. On the other hand, I'd be a little cautious about making constant and unfair judgments about people just because of a feeling.
Then again, that may just be me. I've never understood the strange habit that women seem to have of lumping guys who they get along with into the category of "brother" or "girlfriend." I mean, it seems like a pretty silly thing and a painful catch-22. Either he fits too well, and he's like a brother, or he doesn't fit, and then there is no chance at all.
[point of honesty: being a guy that women get along with overly well (thus immediately falling into the brother category), my opinion probably should not be valued here.]
I personally think it's ok to be a bit snobby to begin with. One should always look for people that match the necessary criteria. On the other hand, I'd be a little cautious about making constant and unfair judgments about people just because of a feeling.
Then again, that may just be me. I've never understood the strange habit that women seem to have of lumping guys who they get along with into the category of "brother" or "girlfriend." I mean, it seems like a pretty silly thing and a painful catch-22. Either he fits too well, and he's like a brother, or he doesn't fit, and then there is no chance at all.
[point of honesty: being a guy that women get along with overly well (thus immediately falling into the brother category), my opinion probably should not be valued here.]
I have an alternative theory, I think that you are really like this engineer guy and are afraid it will get serious. So you have lumped him with all the other schmucks in the "like a brother (or girlfriend)" category.
Most women use this category for guys they are not physically attracted to but don't want to hurt their feelings. But OLS, you use it for guys you think might be great and could shatter the idea you have of compromise. I just hope that when the one guy that meets all of your criteria comes along, you can drop your complex about compromise and throw caution to the wind.
Which brings me to something else, I think this whole "no compromise" thing you are about, is a way of avoiding the situation in which you might get hurt (i.e. you love someone, but they don't love you).
Most women use this category for guys they are not physically attracted to but don't want to hurt their feelings. But OLS, you use it for guys you think might be great and could shatter the idea you have of compromise. I just hope that when the one guy that meets all of your criteria comes along, you can drop your complex about compromise and throw caution to the wind.
Which brings me to something else, I think this whole "no compromise" thing you are about, is a way of avoiding the situation in which you might get hurt (i.e. you love someone, but they don't love you).
According to the comments on my blog, having no chemistry is something you should overlook. You might get over that whole "like a brother thing." But my advice would be don't waste your time or his. It is definitely better to be single than to be in a relationship that is less than you deserve.
Wow. I'm not sure where to start in the response.
First, thanks LvL. I know this is something you're struggling with as well. Next time you're with the sax player and I'm with the engineer, we could double-date.
Thanks to Lily as well for the good point. Next time my dating snobbiness or too-high standards come up, I'll be pointing this out.
Knee-bone, You're probably right on most of the other times where I lump someone into a "brother" category. So right, that if you were sitting at a computer next to me, you would have heard a quick intack of breath as I cringed over your words. And 99% of the rest of the time, I would be forced to admit that you're right. But, this falls into that other 1% of the time. I honestly don't think it's true this time. There's really something just not there. I mean, I'm actually glad sometimes when I miss his calls because then I can call him back whenever I feel like it, rather than having to talk at a particular time. I'm not like that with guys I like. If I like a guy, I don't care if everything sucks around me, I'll want to answer the phone and if I miss his call, I'll be disappointed. Last night, I missed his call and I didn't mind a bit. I figured I'd call him back today or tomorrow. Not a biggie.
Another example: the kiss. I didn't want to kiss him and I *love* kissing. LvL put it best in discussing her own love of kissing: "I am not that picky. Picky about dating, but not so much when it comes to kissing." I'm the same way. I don't have a problem kissing a random guy that I don't really know any more than I have a problem kissing a really great guy that I do really know. I have a little European-ness in me, so I'm most likely to kiss random people on the cheek as a "hello" and I'm very likely to kiss random guy friends on the lips as a thank you. I didn't want to kiss the engineer. I just wanted to give him a hug, a thank you, and to head off on my own way.
Now, N.J. For me, brother-ship is an issue of chemistry, not an issue of fitting right into my life. At various points in my knowing them, I have had crushes - sometimes major crushes - on my closest guy friends (they know this and pretty much anyone that knows both of us knows this, so I hope they don't mind my sharing that, particularly since it's no longer true). Neither went into the "brother" category upon my meeting them or upon their "fitting" with me. They know me really well -- scarily well -- and they would both fit very well into my lives. And I still wanted to date them. Eventually, it moved to a "brother" thing when it became apparent that anything more than a brother-sister best-friend thing wasn't going to work. So, fitting well with a girl doesn't automatically make you a brother/girlfriend type. At least not for me - for me, it's about chemistry.
Speaking of chemistry and men, I think I'm going to work up the courage to really talk with New City Guy. Things have been so weird between us in the past two weeks. In the good weird way. In the "I'm not sure what's going on here, but something is kind of way. Now, I just need a good time to do that....
Post a Comment
First, thanks LvL. I know this is something you're struggling with as well. Next time you're with the sax player and I'm with the engineer, we could double-date.
Thanks to Lily as well for the good point. Next time my dating snobbiness or too-high standards come up, I'll be pointing this out.
Knee-bone, You're probably right on most of the other times where I lump someone into a "brother" category. So right, that if you were sitting at a computer next to me, you would have heard a quick intack of breath as I cringed over your words. And 99% of the rest of the time, I would be forced to admit that you're right. But, this falls into that other 1% of the time. I honestly don't think it's true this time. There's really something just not there. I mean, I'm actually glad sometimes when I miss his calls because then I can call him back whenever I feel like it, rather than having to talk at a particular time. I'm not like that with guys I like. If I like a guy, I don't care if everything sucks around me, I'll want to answer the phone and if I miss his call, I'll be disappointed. Last night, I missed his call and I didn't mind a bit. I figured I'd call him back today or tomorrow. Not a biggie.
Another example: the kiss. I didn't want to kiss him and I *love* kissing. LvL put it best in discussing her own love of kissing: "I am not that picky. Picky about dating, but not so much when it comes to kissing." I'm the same way. I don't have a problem kissing a random guy that I don't really know any more than I have a problem kissing a really great guy that I do really know. I have a little European-ness in me, so I'm most likely to kiss random people on the cheek as a "hello" and I'm very likely to kiss random guy friends on the lips as a thank you. I didn't want to kiss the engineer. I just wanted to give him a hug, a thank you, and to head off on my own way.
Now, N.J. For me, brother-ship is an issue of chemistry, not an issue of fitting right into my life. At various points in my knowing them, I have had crushes - sometimes major crushes - on my closest guy friends (they know this and pretty much anyone that knows both of us knows this, so I hope they don't mind my sharing that, particularly since it's no longer true). Neither went into the "brother" category upon my meeting them or upon their "fitting" with me. They know me really well -- scarily well -- and they would both fit very well into my lives. And I still wanted to date them. Eventually, it moved to a "brother" thing when it became apparent that anything more than a brother-sister best-friend thing wasn't going to work. So, fitting well with a girl doesn't automatically make you a brother/girlfriend type. At least not for me - for me, it's about chemistry.
Speaking of chemistry and men, I think I'm going to work up the courage to really talk with New City Guy. Things have been so weird between us in the past two weeks. In the good weird way. In the "I'm not sure what's going on here, but something is kind of way. Now, I just need a good time to do that....
<< Home
