Obsessive Law Student

Okay, I realize I've had a lot of "woe is me, my life is so sad" posts lately. And Skipper Ken is right - there's been a bit of hostility on the pages lately. And, in reality, my life is not bad. My family is mostly healthy, my friends are awesome, I'm generally happy and healthy and have a good apartment with food and stuff. Baby Sis gives me mini-heart attacks when she sends pictures of the kinds of things she's done and I realize that they are not what we would exactly call "safe" but more along the lines of "Are you frigging crazy???" but even she is generally safe and happy.

But, when things are going badly and I feel tapped out in the family / friends advice area and I just need to talk it through myself and I can't find my journal (which is now), this is where I come. And that's why I'm here today.

My roommate's boyfriend just became her fiance. I contributed to the constant stream of suprises by throwing a champagne and balloons and a little banner with streamers and a chocolate cake [note to Baby Sis: Totally got it all done; I'm that good]. She was excited, of course. She told us the story like twenty times. He jumped in at appropriate moments. They were cute. Her ring is perfect for her. A .5 carat round solitare with two small round cut saphires on either side. She got the ring; I planned the party.

Not that different from the eight million other times I have watched friends - now getting much younger than me - come home with a ring. And usually, usually, I'm able to be genuinely happy for my newly engaged friends. And last night, I was again genuinely happy until I looked across the table to see New City Guy.

Ahhh. NCG. Our relationship has just been one big frigging roller coaster ride. And I've tried not to talk about it too much on here, in part because I'm embarrassed by how Bridget Jones it has been. Bridget is great as a novel and movie, but it sucks to live out in real life. The biggest problem is that he has become one of my closest friends in the world. And about once ever two months, things get confusing. As they tend to do when you're best friends with someone of the opposite sex. And that's what happened about two weeks ago. Things started to get confusing. We headed out on a double-date with his brother, there was hand-holding, and excessive, unnecessary touching, and eventually some kissing. And that turned into some making out on later occassions, and more date like experiences. And even though a little part of me wondered whether we could work long-term, a larger part of me told me to ignore that little part and enjoy the relationship. And I did. But, there was that still small voice nagging me - telling me I deserved to be treated better than I was being treated. It would sneak up on me at times, when he would do or say something that just didn't sit well. Or when he would pull back after things got physical. And I just started to wonder whether this was the relationship for me.

And I got confirmation that no, this wasn't the right relationship, last Bible Study. Thanks to GG. In a small group of women, I confessed - without naming names - that I was confused about a psuedo-relationship I was in and starting to wonder if I didn't deserve to be treated better than I was. All the other girls in the group knew who I was talking about. For months, people from Bible Study have come to me and asked about us, about whether we were dating yet, and assuring me that someday he would wake up and realize I was the best thing to ever walk into his life. And I would thank them for their comments, assure them we were just friends - even when we weren't - and tuck their little words of encouragement in the back of my head and deep into my heart so I could pull them out on the really sad days. Roommate and Fiance were some of the best/worst about encouraging me. "Our relationship took a similar path," they would remind me. "You're best friends - of course you're going to work out in the end." "Don't worry. I never thought Fiance would come around," she would say after either NCG or Fiance would leave our apartment just in time for us to head to bed. The few times I allowed myself to cry in front of them, they would assure me that guys just take longer than girls to figure things out. That I just needed to give him time. And their assurances would encourage me to hold out hope that we would have a happily ever after eventually.

Rubbish. So, Bible Study. I apologize - I got side-tracked. Bible Study. Before study begins, the Wise Married Woman of of the group pulls me aside and, of course, asks whether we're dating yet. I end up telling her the highlights of the last few weeks along with the fact that GG and NCG had considered dating but that I thought he was over her, etc., etc. She tells me she has my back if I need it and that he'd be a fool to pass me up. Later we break into small groups and renewed in my confusion from my conversation with Wise Married Woman, I pour out my heart. And then GG recounts a story about being asked out and her response that she says was from the week before. But, as she's telling me this story I realize I've heard this story before. Not from GG. From NCG. He only told me her response and did not relate it to hsi asking her out. I dind't know he had asked her out. And just as every girl in the circle knew who I was talking about, they all had a look that told me they knew who had asked her out as well. We were talking about the same people. And the sympathetic looks from my Bible Study sisters coupled with my own increasing need to vomit made the entire night completely unbearable. And I had to bear it. For another hour or so. Being super nice to GG and letting her be super nice to me. And the entire time I just wanted to hit him. And her. And scream, cry, and vomit. All at once.

But, I did none of that. Immediately. In front of other people.

I waited, chatted with others, made an appointment to see Wise Married Woman the next day, pack up the extraordinarily good stew I made that day, and head out with NCG, who drove me that day. And obviously, we had a fight. I told him that I hear he had asked GG out. On a date. The week before. And he said he hadn't. And that's where the fight started. It wasn't a knock-down, drag-out fight. We don't have those. We have more talk-through-it-while-being-completely-honest fights. So, we talked through it. Then we talked about us. And about how we're probably not right for each other. And about how he's not yet over his ex-fiance from two years ago who is way too similar to me for his comfort level. Which, I understand. But, oh, if it doesn't suck to be that girl. The girl he can't fall in love with because I'm too much like the other girl with whom he did. Ugh. I hate that. Not that it really happens to me too often, but it could. And it did. And I hate that.

So, we had a huge fight, talking through it, thing the other night. And I just wanted a break. I didn't want to see him or be around him or talk to him or anything. And that worked until he called on Friday. I thought he was calling to check on me, but instead he was calling because he wanted to hang out. Hang out? Are you kidding me?? You just told me you can't fall in love with me because I remind you of your ex-fiance and now you want me to hang out with you as if it doesn't matter? But, Roommate had a big group of people over to play Taboo and he wanted to join and I could have said no, but I didn't. I said yes. Because I'm a big stupid-head. And no, I haven't used the word "stupid-head" since I was in the second grade, but today it certainly feels like it applies. And it applies to me, so I can use stupid-head. So, there. So, he came over, looking all sexy and concerned for me, and I picked a fight over something stupid because I don't want him looking all concerned when he also looks all sexy. He needs to choose one. Sexy or concerned. Not both.

So, another fight on Saturday, and then Sunday was the suprise engagement party. And he's here, joking about his previous engagement to the girl he loved, having fun with our friends. We talked again. Saturday and Sunday. And it just hurts.

I can't believe a year ago or so, I was praying that I would at least fall in love with someone, even if it wasn't The One because I wasn't really sure I had the capacity to fall in love. Man, I was a serious stupid-head. Long before Friday night.

So, I'm working on healing. Which means creating space between him and me, which is why I'm going canvassing this afternoon before driving to Big Bro's area to do election day campaigning, before I drive back to New City to do more election day campaigning, before going to Bible Study tomorrow night before heading to an election day party. Business. It heals the broken heart, right?

On another note, for all chocolate cake lovers: Duncan Hines' devil food is perhaps the best chocolate cake I've ever bought from a box. I used to be a Betty Crocker fanatic, thinking no one does it better than Betty, but Duncan Hines won me over. My mom told me to buy DH, saying you could do no better for a chocolate lover. And she was right. Fluffy, chocolaty, moist, and good. Definitely the best cake I've made.